Wednesday, January 28, 2009

A kind of Rebirth

…“And then,
we’ll go wake our own dead
with the life they bequeathed us
and we’ll all sing together
with concerts of birds
repeat our message
through the length and breadth
of America
.”
~ From Until We’re Free
By Giocanda Belli.~

The next time I was in the hospital, though not the same graveyard public hospital, Hospital Escuela, was for the birth of my Honduran sister’s first born child. Though this one was a private hospital, it still had the third world detoriation and dirtier feel that Hospital Escuela had; bringing back memories of the last dreaded visit. I guess, the same thread that can take life can give it; the same waiting room that brings greif can bring joy; and they often come hand in hand, just like my full circle experiences of a child’s death piggy backed by a new child’s life.

To realize that the same country, and the same amount though opposite emotive power can respond to and produce both life and death gives me hope that next to every story of sadness there is also a story of triumph, a story of overcoming obstacles, a story of one’s once dead spirit now living on in another. I guess that is what the resurrection story is about, and why, though He knew the eventual outcomes, Jesus wept deeply at the death of Lazarus, and to the point of death in Gethsemane. This shows me that Jesus’ example was that it is OK, natural and healthy to grieve losses in ones life, or grieve the loss, the profound sadness of a world full of things we cannot excuse, like the avoidable death of a ten year old child. And I truly believe that it is only in allowing ourselves to feel every one of our feelings, that sometimes unconsolable sadness and inquenchable anger for the backdrops of injustice that fill the skylines of our everyday lives that we can adversably feel true joy, and really rejoice.

That has been my experience here in Honduras; falling down to be picked up again by the beautiful people around me, but also to learn how I have the possibility, with help, to learn how to pick up myself; gaining slowly the self trust and confidence that sometimes takes. And now, after working to not stuff down but feel such grief, I am beginning to feel real joy at every day events like playing with children, going hiking and celebrating the successes of coworkers.
It’s Small steps taken gradually and at my own pace; and it’s not perfect; I thank God that he didn’t require that of us, but while in our suffering and struggle and what some call sin, well She had deep compassion on us, because we were like sheep without a shepherd. I pray for all of you, as you too, decipher this journey that is laid in front of you.


I saw the baby today, she’s a little chubby, blancita and beautiful, with big feet, just like the father they say. We waited up all night to see her, she was born at six in the morning, but we didn’t hear news of her birth till 9:00am. The family had an appointment to see her at 11:00am. It is weird to me that none of the family, even the spouse, can be with the pregnant woman while in labor. But, because there are over twenty women giving birth in the same open room, they have to allow privacy for every patient, meaning no strangers, who are family of one of the other 20, or nonmedical person present. I remember in a cross-cultural class in college having to study major events – like births or deaths in different cultures, now I see why, it says a lot about the values of a culture. For example, the husband slept all night while she was in labor while the parents and sisters waited up; he had work the next day and they didn’t give him permission to leave to be with his wife. That kind of behavior seems unheard of where my worldview comes from, but signifies a lot about the expectations about the role of the husband in a more machismo culture. However it is interesting to see, the power of such a small being, how she, by her mere presence, can transform these cultural norms; making even the more machista harder hearts soft, speaking in spanish baby language to the newborn. I look forward to seeing if she will change my own negative norms during the rest of my time here.

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